Chew it Over with a Text

There's a well-known candy company, perhaps you've heard of them, that has a series of commercials designed around the "Chew it over" concept. The basic structure of each ad is rather simple: some oafish (though un-threateningly attractive) man finds himself in a precarious position that usually relates to his "female companion." These magical gems of masculine stupidity include sneaking back into a bedroom after a night of partying with the guys or being caught reading a lewd book in a shopping center. You know, the kinds of things us men just can't turn around twice without doing.

There's a hook, of course. These men are loaded with a non-melted Twix bar, which they pull out and begin aggressively chewing. This is not only a natural action--arousing no suspicion in their girlfriends--it gives them precious few seconds of "chewing over" time to think their way out of the mess. The ads, while ridiculous, do have a logical theme: when you take a moment to consider your options in any situation you are more likely to make a better decision.

Shifting gears a little, I'm a big fan of texting. I've never really taken to talking on the phone, it's something I've done often for work and when I really need a pizza, but I find little recreational value in having my centro pressed against my ear. As such, I've become an outspoken advocate of bringing the rest of humanity into the texting world. I've espoused the benefits of unlimited texting plans to all of my friends, cited data that texters more actively respond to texts than the general public does to voicemail messages and have unrelentingly texted even those friends I know not to have texting plans.

This obviously has a selfish motivation. I like to communicate with my friends and would prefer to do it over text messaging. However, I can't help but see a universal value to society in the text message: it gives you a little time to think. During spoken conversation, your partner will think the call has been dropped if you take more than a second or two to respond to a statement or question. We all want to use our minutes wisely, so wasting any portion of them while "thinking" is ludicrous.

There is no such time pressure with a text. When someone sends you one, you're completely within your rights to contemplate your response for a few minutes. Most likely, they're not on the other end desperately waiting to hear your answer. Here's a magical thing I've learned about myself--and I imagine is true of everyone--when I have a few minutes to think about a response I'm funnier, more insightful and at the very least coherent.

An example:
Spoken Conversation

Friend: Hey, I saw your favorite sports team lost again.
Me: Oh???
Friend: Yes, I did, they are terrible and you are terrible for liking them.
Me: Well you're terrible because you, um, have a car that gets less than 20 mpg.
Friend: I plant a certain number of trees each year to offset my clunker's carbon emissions.
Me: That's very responsible of you.

Text Conversation:

Friend: Hey, I saw your favorite sports team lost again.
Me: Ah, well I saw that your face is still ugly. At least there's a chance my team will win tomorrow.

So, my friends, embrace the beauty of the text message. It gives you a few extra moments to compose yourself. The world moves faster every day, let's try to embrace the few remaining situations in which we can actually take a moment to chew it over. Even when you're not in relationship peril for being a stupid man, it makes life a little better when you can actually think it through.